You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
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