My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
