i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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