the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
