The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
