Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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