There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
