My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
be right there i have to get my cape
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize