People in love make me want to vomit
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
