Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
