i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
