I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize