pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
