Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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