The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
