there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I can't trust your balls anymore.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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