i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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