i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
