He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
