I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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