oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
