from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
