it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
