smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
