Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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