based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Randomize
