I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize