Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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