the condom got lost in my hair
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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