so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
