some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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