I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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