He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize