i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
you didnt know i had herpes?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
