I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Threesome in a minivan. New low
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Enjoy the penises
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Randomize
