Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
