at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
