I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
