i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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