why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize