Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
