my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
She just used a chaser for red wine.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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