I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
