I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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