I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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