i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
