I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
