i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
