I wish I only lived at night.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
