I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
