woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
