The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
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