Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
