Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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