You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
