She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize