Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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