there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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