Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
