Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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