so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
