Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
