I hope mine doesn't look like that
babies were throwing up all over the place
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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