dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
