my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
