I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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