Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
