I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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