I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
