I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
wow bdsm is so cute
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